I'm scared.

I try not to look into your eyes for too long when we talk. I'm afraid I'll fall up and get lost. But your eyes speak of sincerity. Your eyes are warm and gentle. They sparkle with hope and cheerfulness. I haven't seen eyes like those in so long. Maybe, I'm already lost.

man, yay

"this gives you more reasons to be bitter and sexy."
damn right, bitches.
BITTER.
only for today though, hahaha.

EDIT: I am in such a good mood thanks to English class, my close friends, and Error Occurs.

This morning I was indeed bitter, but through out the day I started to let go. Well what other choice did I have? It's better to let go than to be in control, and it was in the past anyway.

And now,it is possible for me to move on. Have fun with your life, think through your decisons, and don't forget about me. Actually, go ahead.

The thought of you two being with each other no longer hurts me. I'm glad I got that punch in the face yesterday. I can finally stop. wasting. time.
Finally moving forward feels so damn good, I can breathe again.

we were young and learning

everything was perfect, you were everything i could ever want.
i see components of you in others. i was right, no one could ever be as close to perfect as you.
we just held on to us too tightly; that's where we went wrong.

it's gone.

I held on too tightly to love, then I lost it.
I didn't give us room grow, it was my greatest error.

there is a light that never goes out

I felt the warmth when our bodies were pressed together fora mere second. The warmth is like a passing firefly- only there for a few seconds until it flies somwhere else and you are only able to catch a glimpse of its light. The warmth is even more like firelies.They can only emit light by a chemical reaction. With warmth, you need a course, some sort of reaction. I sensed the warmth through your words, your smile, and your eyes. I felt the warmth through your embrace. I sought to catch it and hold it for as long it could, but it slipped through my fingers and I am cold again.

falling up

"You know what I've always thought about, or wanted? Wanting to fall up. In a romantic sense of way, in love. A feeling of falling for someone yet being in the clouds all at the same time. The sound of 'Falling up' sounds nice. Falling down has the risk of breaking. Falling up just has the risk of being lost. I'd rather be lost than broken."

-qdr

such an emo song i can relate to

Well I waited till you packed your bags
I took a picture and hoped it would last with you
All the way through the times you and I couldn't have
Now I know that it shouldn't be this hard
But you've moved yourself so damn far
And I won't suffice when there's two-thousand miles to drive
I'm thinking it over
Thinking about all the days and nights
We would spend laughing are you happy
In Colorado with the mountains
Did you like them did you find what you're looking for
Cause I'm still searching for the life we were living before
You seem so young and so full of life
While I'm getting older with each hopeless night
You're still always on my mind
Are we through this time
Well angels should ask you what you're doing with me
I'm an apple who slipped too far from the tree
But I'm learning to rot away silently
While you grow into something more promising
And now we've got these God damn words that me nothing
When I can't see your face or have your body for touching
And everything I eat taste like you
What are you trying to prove
In Colorado with the mountains
Did you like them did you find what you're looking for
Cause I'm still searching for the life we were living before
And if I dropped everything and booked a flight
From Logan to Denver then my plan would crash that night
Cause the odds are against us so all bets are off
Just know you meant more than I ever could want
I'm giving up
Please give me one more time
If just for one more night
Then I'll be happy to walk away
You could put on that dress you know I love
Taking your time zipping it up
You always knew what I liked
The could base movie on our lust
But somehow they wouldn't suffice
So just take your time
You got moves and you use them
And I got pictures to prove them
And every night I lie awake
I think of everything I wish I said
I'm sure you're BURNING every note I ever sent
But I'll find you in Colorado...

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED IN STUDY HALL- ICE NINE KILLS

there's the irony!

just when i started to have this good feeling about you,
when i realized you were the answer i've been looking for,
just when i realized.
you're gone.
but it can't be helped.
i wish it could be helped.
i wish i could start something to bring it back.


but it's meant to be this way, no matter how much i hate the idea.
so this is it?
until then, darling.

do your parents/family members influence how you love?

" I think I was born this way. It was destined. 'cause look at my parents, and my grandparents. They've heavily influenced me and my sister's view on love.

My grandparents are estranged. My Lolo is cheating on my Lola. I imagine they didn't have a very stable marriage when my mom was younger. So my mom married a man who swept her off her feet, and she treats him like a king, no matter what. My sister, seeing this, wanted the exact opposite, to not be a 'good little housewife.' So she treats her husband like an incompetent idiot most of the time. And me, growing up absolutely loving my dad, but not having him around enough/having enough attention from him, search for someone who will love me like my dad does, like his little princess.

I see. I think that even if you have no idea about her love life (refering to my mother), it's affected you more than you know. Because I realized just last year how alike my mom and I are. I had no idea. I'm almost exactly like her, in everything I do, don't do, want to do in a relationship. But I didn't find out until last year. Your parents, (and if you had older siblings) influence a lot of you, without you even knowing it. "

interesting, might i say.

no promises.

you said you'd be there for me, since no one else is. you also said "no promises."
good thing you told me before anything really started.
lets see how long you'll stay.

: i'll be your best friend xD but no promises i'll be the best one out there

for some reason..

this little butterfly of hope continues to flutter through my veins.
it's a good feeling- somthing i haven't felt in a long while. i can't be too certain, but maybe its better that way. maybe it's better not to know. maybe its better to look forward to whats to come,rather than knowing whats to come. maybe it's better to bask in uncertainty and enjoy it.
maybe.

let's be lonely together!

that sounds nice, doesn't it?

in a while

i haven't had a dream about you in a while.
it seemed real, we were together again.
that's the closest i'll ever get to you - through dreams.

I pray that

God will bless me with patience, to wait and accept His plan.


It's all I really need. I can't go around complaining. Everything is meant to be this way, moving forward is indeed meant to be a slow process although it seems like life is moving too fast. Whatever will be, will be. However things are now, can change, but are meant to change.

I have to be patient.

passenger seat

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

--
april 5th.
it was your family barbeque. most of the time you were yelling because there were huge bees flying around you. i recall hearing "if i was a boy" by beyonce through the window of your aunt's house, and telling you that song used to make me so sad. but at that moment i wasn't. you said you felt like driving, you wanted to ditch the barbeque so we did. we were driving around big neighborhoods, looking for our future house. we took a different route and ended up at brigands quay. then we found that house in the corner. it was so different, so beautiful. "That will be our house someday." "It will," and you squeezed my hand very tightly as your attention focused from that house, to me, to the road. We went thrifting and you bought me that skirt. I remember the cashier complimented you about your hair when she was checking your ID. we went to a few more stores, with nothing in hand and we went to Mount Trashmore to see the sunset. We laid on the grass, with other couples surrounding us as we laughed and laughed. I tried to bite your extra skin on your chin, you were so scared cause i was actually going to do it, and i was sucessful. And then we saw the sun set over the city. We went back to your house, tired and sleepy. We left your house earlier than expected and went to "house." I remember Death Cab For Cutie playing. We were panicking, scared, and i was shaking. Through out the car ride you never let go of my hand. You walked me to my door and you held me close. "I will never leave you, I promise," you said, so assuringly. I knew i was in good hands. That night you drove, like you said you wanted to. You weren't alone and thank goodness for that. Two hours later you appeared in front of my window, i opened it and we kissed. You took my hands again and said, "I will never leave you, I promise." You jumped the fence once more, leaving with a scratch, leaving relieved. I knew i was in good hands, you took care of me.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

peace

something told me i should talk to you, even say hi
because if i didn't, i would regret it.
i probably wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if i didn't.

i won't let them take the air you breathe!

the possibility and the little hope makes me happy.
i hope this is not false hope; i've had enough of that.

if you knew

my heart was racing, the butterflies in my stomach built up as i approached your line.
you forced a smile, but didn't say hi.
i hadn't seen you in over a month; every time i do see you i get nervous for some reason.
if only you knew, if only you knew.
i miss you, i wish we were good friends.

Where am i going?

I have no idea.
I find myself going in circles.

"you will find someone better."

You sir, are the SECOND person in MY LIFE to say those words to me.
I understand that you can't always be there for me, and I guess it was wrong for me to expect so much from you.

"You will find someone better."
Those words hit me hard. It was definately deja vu.
I'm not going to live life with the intention of finding someone better; that goes for the both of you.
I honestly believe that there aren't any guys better than you two.
The both of you have impacted my life in a way words cannot fully describe.
Maybe you can't say the same for me, but that's fine.

State

What brought me into this state of nostalgia?
A dark cloud seemed to come over me.

From the corner of my eye, I watched her trace her fingers on the creases of his callused hands. I couldn't help but feeling jealous- I imagined how each of them felt. I imagined the electrifying sensation brought about by her fingertips.

I found myself traveling in time, and you were the one tracing your fingers on the creases of my hands. With each moment I felt your fingertips brush my skin, shivers traveled down my spine.

I closed my eyes and breathed in heavily as your fingertips traveled from my palms, up my forearms, and to my cheeks. You tilted my face towards yours and fell into a kiss, and I felt a burst of infinate bliss. The electrical sensation surged throughout my body, out of my fingertips. I transfered the current to you by running my fingers through your hair, and pulling you closer deepining the kiss. We opened our eyes, gazed into each other souls, and whispered, "I love you," before pulling away.

I was back in the present, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw them transfer the electrical current.

Pass.

With each day that passes, it's supposed to get easier. I'm supposed to get stronger. But with each day, I feel no progress. I am still as hurt as I was efore' my heart still aches with the same intensity. With each surge of pain, I find myself in tears. I cannot stop the flow no matter how hard i try except in the presence of others. I used to be strong, but I feel myself become weaker with every ache, not knowing how to bring myself up again . I am stuck drowning myself in memories of us- happy memories that trigger heart ache only emphasizing the lonliness that accompanies it. Some day I will move, but there's no telling when.

friend

Your true friends are the ones who STAND BY THESE WORDS: I will always be there for you, always.

the day the earth stood still.

while i was waiting for a ride at the mall, i sat on the bench outside by the fountain; the one we sat on that first day we saw each other, that very bench of which you asked me to be your girlfriend.

we were only talking to each other for 4-5 days, but we knew it was different. we knew it was love. nothing was rushed, everything just happened; everything just felt right.

that was one of the slowest weeks in history. the anticipation almost killed us. we were counting down the days, and the hours until we would see each other on that saturday; December 13,2008.

the day finally came. i was so nervous and you were too. i remember talking on the phone, and you said, "when i see you, i'll probably pee in my pants because you're so beautiful."

on the way to the mall, my palms began to sweat and my heart rate was very high.i finally got to the mall and i called you. i saw you and audrey descend from the escalator, and you were turned around.
you told me that you were scared that i wouldn't be as pretty as you thought and you were so nervous; but you said i was too pretty you had to turn around.

audrey greeted me and hugged me, and you were right behind her.
and then, my heart melted. butterflies filled my body, and i was in your arms for the first time and i was in heaven. we went up stairs i the elevator and i still had my gloves on. i took them off and my hands were sweaty as haaaail. one, because of my lotion, and two, because of you. when we got upstairs, you introduced me to your friends! i remember meeting johnny, luke,marlon, jt, mickey, nesly, tim, and a lot of others i just forgot. we were sitting down and we were just watching everyone do their thang. i was vey shyyy. i whispered something in your ear and you were like ," no not here!" but then you were like oh well! and then you kissed me. heaven.
we walked around the food court a bit and said hi to heidi, erwin, and iramae. while walking we were trying to figure out the most comfortable way to hold hands. we ran into theresa and we walked around with her for a little while.

i remember going to forever2 with you and your friends, and with theresa. iw as tryn to look for a secret santa present for jessa but i had no luck. after theresa left we were just walking around with your friends. you were scared that my mom was following us cause you didn't know what she looked like.

everyone split up, and we went outside to wait for ronnie and sarah for our little "double date." we waited outside in the freezing cold for about an hour. but i remember kissing you, and in between those kisses, we would say "i love you." it was always like that; saying i love you while kissing.thats how we would end kisses too. well in between a kiss, you said, "oh yeah before i forget, we have to make this official. will you be my girlfriend?" of course i said yes and we continued kissing, hehe. you unoficially asked me out on the phone at 11:59 pm on December 11. I said Yes on 12:00 am on December 12.

We were still waiting and it was getting colder and darker. Our hands were freezing, so we rubbed our hands together. I remember saying something about your hoodie, how it was nice and soft and my favorite color. You were wearing your teal hoodie, pink and purple striped shirt, black skinnies, and your blue vans. I was wearing my flannel jacket, virginia is for lovers shirt, black hi tops and i had my unicorn bag! We were swinging our feet on the bench, and i looked at the sky.The sky became littered with tiny white dots and I pointed out the big star, and it became Our star. We named it Venus. I haven't seen Venus since we were together isn't that ironic? It was getting too cold, so we decided to go inside. I went to starbucks to buy a giftcard for jessa and sarah finally came!

You bought my ticket for me and insisted because you had a job. We got a slushie! During the movie, while we weren't watching the movie, ronnie kept throwing popcorn at me and gave me a thumbs up. That movie was so whack, but it was GRREAT because i was wth you. The last two lines of that movie was
"They're gone."
"No, he's gone."

We went inside that postcard picture booth thing and said we should take a photobooth picture one day. We didn't do that one because it was espensive and it was only one picture, so we just warmed up in there. We were waiting around for people and I remember you called nghia to go to the mall a while back. he came but left shortly. We left our slushies on that table and it was time for me to go.
I introduced you to my mom and sister, and sat with them after you split up to go with your friends.

I remember you said something to marlon and isiah that made them upset and they asked me where yo were; and i told them you went with kim.

Welll that was one of the best days of mah lyfe!





While I was waiting, and reminiscing, I was listening to my ipod and i put it on shuffle. Songs about waiting for the right one, moving on, and letting go came on.
What a coincidence!

mae

i remember listening to the everglow while coming home from ring dance on my birthday.
"mistakes we knew we were making" was playing while you drove down the highway at 11:30 pm.
you said it was nice being with me, just the two of us at the high way at night.
then you recalled the first time you drove on the highway; which was on valentine's day.

valentine's day. i was so excited. i had no idea what was in store. you showed up wearing red with heart shaped box of my absolute favorite chocolates (i still have that box). we sat down and you told me you had plans to bring me to ginza and we would have a candlelit lunch, but ginza closed early that day D:
so instead, we went to the oceanfront.
before leaving, you opened your presents which were: a huge card with a long long note, halo boxers, nerds, and heart boxers!

i didn't know the fastest way to the beach then, so i suggested we take the highway by pembroke. it was funny since it was your first time on the highway but it wasn't bad at all. we were just freaking out because the way we took was hella long.
i wanted to eat at a restaraunt, so you drove slowly, scanning the roads for the perfect place. you ran a red light bcause of that, but that's okay because no one was there and there were no cameras haha.
"stop! stop!"
"what!?"
"STOP"
"oops."
we parked at the 9th street parking garage and we decided to eat at PLANET PIZZA. after we passed by it the first time, we were like, NO WAY! i wore your purple hoodie and you wore your thin hoodie with the sneakers all over it. it was a chilly day of course; it was february!

the waitress who seated us seemed to be the only one working there and you said she looked miserable. that place had such a nice theme and enviornment; there weren't much people but there was a family sitting behind us and they were prety loud.i had chicken parmesan and you had a small pizza which was still pretty big and pretty cheesy! i think it was our first actual date besides the movies. but it was really nice :]

afterwards we walked on the sand but that didn't last very long. you buried your toes in the sand and i did too but we couldn't take it because the sand was so cold. we were by the playground and you told me one of your pictures with your favorite hat was taken there.

we walked down the streets and into some shops. in one of the shops i saw a unicorn backpack! it was expensive though, so you bought me the unicorn fanny pack. while walking back to the parking garage, i couldn't decide a name for it. you told me to pick the first thing i saw and that would be the name. at first i said "light pole" but i thought it wasn't so fitting. then i saw a "kozy korner" sign. so i named it "kozy korner aurora" who sleeps with me every night along with koalica!

we drove back to my house but on the way there we got into a stupid argument, but it went well after that. i think thats when i startedto get emotionally ... idk unstable or something. i knew there was something wrong with me because i started to cry more often and i still have no idea why.

we went to church with my family; after you changed into your sweater. i wore my blue h&m sweater too. every one else was wearing red.

after church my family decided to eat at p.f. changs- without reservations. so it took us THREE HOURS to get seated. you said you had the urge to play rock band. we could have probably done that because during those three hours we watched kim and andrew get seated and leave, and fall asleep. i remember you trying to take apart my heart keychain and you put it back together. the day you came to my house when isiah's car broke down, you told me you lost that heart, but it's okay. metaphorically, my heart is always with you.

anyway, that meal was delicious. the waitress took a picture of all of us together.
that was the best valentine's day ever; regardless of the three hour wait at p.f. chang's.

rememberthe day before that though? mandy's mom's birthday.
we took a nap until it was time to go; it was the first time you took the shortcut to pembroke. we were at a red light and we were kissing. we were still kissing hen we turned green, so after we went the light turned red again and the people behind us couldn't go. we got to pembroke mall thinking jade villa was there, but it wasn't. it was round yonder. when we found it, you took the wrong turn and you were about to do something illegal- go in the lane traveling in the opposite direction. i'm glad you didn't though but i knew you would if i wasn't there. i think you realized your high beams were on after making that u-turn. we got to jade villa for mandy's mom's 40th birthday celerated with her family. the little kids were fond of you- especially steven. remember when the cake came out and mandy's mom was like, "I'm 40 now ! SHIT !!" i remember giving her a rose, and eating lots and lots of food. it was still hard for you to eat because of your braces D: everyone was complimentig you on your hair haha.
before leaving town center, we went to the dicks sporting goods garage and went on that bridge for a few seconds and kissed, just to say we've kissed there before.

after that we went to walmart. i forgot why, but we ran into my family there. what were the chances! i had a bad tummy ache and i thought i had to poop, so we skipped through wal mart all the way to the parking lot. i remember little kids laughing at us. we got to my house but i didn't even have to poop. so we just watched narnia and fell asleep. when my family got home, they told us newlyweds came into walmart all dressed up. we missed it D: but that's okay.

that too was a good day.

oh yeah, i also remember listening to mae when going to the mall to get my new frames. before geting out of the car, i showed you the paper i wrote about you. i wrote about a goal i accomplished and that was helping you become more positive. you told me you loved me even more because of that, and i felt us become so much stronger, so much closer. you said you would try to become more positive after that.
i got my frames and we met up with your friends at nghia's. i watched you guys play halo and rock band, but it was nice. it always was.

so many connections, so many memories but for now i'll stop there.

the cab

reminds me of driving down virginia beach boulevard with you during the sun set, thrifstore shopping or traveling home or going somewhere during the springtime. and you would sing "vegas skies" with the volume really loud and whenever you would reach the highest notes you would squeeze my hand, as with any song you sang with high parts.
i remember us trying to find brandon c's house while listening to the cab.

vision

i understand now.
you HAD to do it. it's not because you wanted to.
you couldn't satisfy yourself, so you had to.
i understand, but darling it still hurts and it still aches and i think it will for a while.

avalon

anthony green reminds me of when you first got your license. it was the only cd you had in your car; and that was for a while.
avalon was my winter soundtrack.
springtime out the van window; you were turning into belspring off of south independence and you said "listen to the lyrics of this song! they're the best!"
then i smiled and laughed because i knew there were't any lyrics.

i remember the first day you got your license. luke was in the back seat because you wanted me to be the first to sit in the passenger seat. you were practicing driving with one hand so you would be used to hold my hand. when you got to the school you got out of your car, picked me up and spun me around and kissed me. then we dropped off mandy and iramae and picked up isiah. while backing out of isiah's driveway, the carpet got caught on the gas and you hit your trunk on that expedition. after we checked what happened you were freaking out for most of that day. we went to five below to get chris a birthday present. you go him a batman lamp and either luke or isiah got him some poster. you got me a unicorn! but left it at chris's and its stillthere but that's okay =D then we met up your friends outside of cici's pizza and it took us such a long time to figure out what to do. it was also like the first time i met some of them. oh yeah, sarah was there with ronnie.
we chilled in goodwill for a while; it was my first time there and we spent a lot of time playing with the stuffed animals with everyone and playing with the toys. i was looking at the records and then you told me kim and andrew were fighting.
then we went to marshalls for a little bit and i could tell sarah felt akward.
i remember you put body gel on your hands and thought it was lotion but you still smelled good. then we went to the park by lukes and you were pushing me on the swings while i had that "heavy flow". that was really fun though .
then we went to lukes!
we met up with tim and audrey and errrrrbodaayzzz and i watched you guys play rock band and you and i laid on luke's bed. i said i was hungry and nesly three wheeled with us to sonics. vince came with us too but he ended up walking back to lukes and beat us there!
we went back to lukes to deliver the food then you brought me home.
that was the day my life started. and avalon was playing throughout the day.

avalon also reminds me of driving to the mall during the sunset. it reminds me of grocery shopping with you for the first time and running errands.
that day we went to the mall and owl city was playing. that was the first day i met tyler. we also met a lot of people up. we walked around a lot and ate at taco bell. in the car we listenedto nevershoutnevr and owl city and marlon thought nevershoutnever was owl city. tyler opened the door in a really weird way but it was funny. i remember everyone used my lotion and everyone asked me who was the cutest but i didn't want to answer. we went to hotline for a little bit too and i say that was nice. i remember andrew complaining that his foot was itchy but he didnt want to do anything. and ronnie bought a new deck. we had to bring tyler home and that sure was something. i remember kissing you during stoplights and tyler yelled EWWW. that night he kept saying your car smelled like dew dew. that was such a long drive to his house; only because it was the first. my feet were cold so you put the heater on and i complained about how it staaank hahahaha but you didn't mind. i remember on the way to marlon's, we passed by a cemetery and you held your breath. then you talked about Bernadette. You said you haven't visited her in a while, and you should do that soon.
before going into marlon's house you parked the car, and we star gazed. then the car started fogging up. we were falling asleep but we finally went inside. we weren't there for long because i had to go home soon. but i just watched you play halo with andrew. i believe you were wearing your lucky shirt.

i remember listening to avalon when going to the mall, when i was sick and my head was hurting very badly. that was the day .. that was february, february 6. that was the day after you got your braces. because the next day we went to patrick's party and you got sick and you slept on the couch.

oh darling i could go on and on, but this was just about avalon.

press play

"Why don't you just play around with him if you want him back?"

I am so biased towards you.
You're my friend.
But why do you do the things you do?
It's your life and you do whatever you can to make yourself happy.
I can't be like you, especially when it comes to love and relationships.
You don't learn, you do the same things over and over again, but at least you can keep yourself happy for some time.
But listen here, I will NEVER play with anyone's emotions, especially HIM.

always, always.

You and I both know I will always love you.
Always.
And that's why it's been so lonely. I can't bring myself to find someone else to love. Besides, that's not how it's supposed to work, I can' find someone, they've just got to show up like you did.
I'm not necessarily waiting around for you, I just can't go anywhere right now.

But it's okay, I'm pretty much used to the lonliness that accompanies unrequited love.

One day, things will fall into place.
One day, something will start so that my life won't be so boring.
One day, love will come to make my life totally un boring, more interesting, and will make me content!
ONE DAY.
OLA KALA.

indeed!

preparing myself for a lonely autumn and winter!

it's not you that i want.

last night you called me and said goodnight.
it's not you who i want. you're not the one i want to hear from.
you're toooo different.
i can't really connect with you at all.
i'm sorry.